Miscreant, I am a terrible sinner. I am a criminal and I do not deserve freedom. I should be sated in the jail of bitterness. I must be imprisoned by loneliness.
You said that you do not like the idea of sending a letter to anybody but you still made one for me. You told me that I was the first and you should know that it is a great pleasure for every girl to be the first love of a man. I was flattered then. But, more than the lovely feeling of being loved, I felt a streak of disappointment in my heart. Your words wounded me and left a scar -- reminding me from time to that letting you know how much I love you was too late. I was already responsible of expressing such to someone else.
I decided to say goodbye. I left you in the middle of the a crowded street to sigh. I took the path en route to his life. I walked away without looking back. I wish I could tell you that all want is to be with the only man who made me fall in love as deep as that. I must embrace the roughness of my shattered dreams. Things were not the same as before. In your sky, I shall avoid to soar.
I watched you struggling amid the downpour of incessant tears. Believe me, the memory of your painful chagrin knows how to haunt me perfectly. There are times, somewhere in the night, when I hear you singing the hymn of your broken heart. Your voice, as seraphic as it was then, still sounds like that of an angel. However, pain has a way of blending with it and the emotions in your song became emotional now. Somehow, your ghost is something that I could never eschew. I am burdened by the fact that I ruined not just your reality but even your reveries.
Honestly, I resent every moment when I have to heed to your whine as it echoes within the empty space of my room -- bouncing from a wall to another. It feels so bad to realize that I let your winsome face turned ashen right before my eyes. Just in case you are not aware, this kind of guilt is slowly killing the garden of mirth in me. You may not know it but I am dying to hear stories from your friends about your present life. Knowing that you are happy now will make me feel completely fine. Terrible nightmares are roads en route to one's real fairytale. It would be an honor to be one of those roads.
I am sorry. If I let you waiting for nothing, please forgive me. I am sorry. If I was too stupid to read your sign then, please understand. I am sorry. I have no senses afore. I failed to distinguish right from wrong.
On the other hand, though I am aware of my faults, I want to tell you that you also made mistakes then. I was the one who felt the pain first. You ignored me when I need your attention. You made me feel alone when I am longing for a companion. My heart got broken before yours. Now, tell me, am I the only one to be blamed?
Do not think that the tears you have cried were planned. I never dream to give you a profound kind of sadness. I abandoned you and your sacrifices in the past because it was already too late. I would be a fool to hurt the one who saved my heart from being crumbled. I know you believe that a right love at the wrong time is still wrong but you should have known that a wrong love at the right time was never right. You and me did not succeed because we kept waiting for the perfect time without realizing that a perfect weather does not exist.
From a distance, I saw you curse your destiny. But, Darling, there's no such thing as meant to be. This world has given you a lot of chances but you allowed them to slip through your fingers. Your shred of paradise was in front of you ere but you gazed at the different part of the sky.
I am done blaming myself. I am now out of the jail. This time, it is not because of a bail.
[November 2012]
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