Sealed With Zeal (A Letter For My One True Love)

Sometimes, I get tired of believing that you will walk into my life one day. Sometimes, I want to stop waiting for the wonderful sunrise that was meant to bring you to me.

I hate being lonely. I grew up believing that life is a glimpse of heaven -- a paradise of butterflies and roses where I can find everything I want to see, where can have everything I wish to hold. I always believe that all the wrong things in my life today will be right as rain tomorrow, that nothing is permanently impossible because God is there to control even the deepest sorrow. With all heaven's grace, I bloomed into a young lady who perceives life as a never-ending fairytale where she was meant to glow in bliss.

I was contented all my life -- I belong to a happy family, I have so many friends who love me. However, I realized that something is missing in my world. At some point, I was forced by my own spirit to search for what is lacking.

It took me so long to solve the puzzle until Agatha Christie gave me a hint. She told me in her novel, Sad Cypress, that the one who never really love has never really live. I then fathomed that I need to look for you.

I began to think about you, I started wanting you so desperately. In every solemn prayer that I say, I end up most of times asking Him so earnestly to give you to me even if today can be so early. But, is it a sin to feel excited in meeting your true love?

There are days when I discern myself as a stupid lass and I believe that it is normal. Perhaps, my mind is right to believe that it is a crime to live for the future when I still have a life to live in the present. Sometimes, I want to believe that you are only a pipedream. There is no trace of your existence. There is no evidence that points out to the reality that you can be real someday.

However, as an article expresses, the future is as real as the past. Everytime I was about to cede, I hear its writer's voice whispering in my ear, "Just because you aren't there yet doesn't mean it isn't there... It was like Baghdad being real when you are in London."

Somehow, there is a need for me to find you. I really have to find you.

I think of you from time to time. I wonder where you are tonight. Are you lying wide awake or are you in the midst of a sound sleep? Are you loving someone tonight or are you hoping to fall in love soon enough? Are you being loved exactly as the way you always want or are you looking for somebody who is willing to give you her whole heart? If you are in a perfect relationship, are you sated in her arms or are you nonplussed because you feel that you belong elsewhere? If you are amid the scattered shreds of your broken heart, are you wishing for her to come back home or are you praying to meet me anon?

You know, I always think of you -- how you move, how you talk, how winsome you are. I do not know if we knew each other already. It is impossible for me to figure out if you have met me already along the way without noticing that you were made for me. But, I know how it feels to be by your side because I have been with you for several moments. I know it sounds so weird and no one can understand what I mean but i really saw you in my sweetest dreams. Although, each time I wake up, I always forget to remember your face.

I do cherish the time I am spending right now as I wait for you. But, to be honest, I often lose hope. I often cry. Sometimes, it hurts so bad that I even get mad at you.

I starkly do not know what is taking you so long. I utterly want to be with you now. I want to ask you so many things.

Why did you let me envy all the girls out there who already found someone to hold? Why did you allow me to get jealous with those women who were numbskull enough to ignore those who love them so much? Why did you permit me to get hurt?

I wish you came earlier than tomorrow, even earlier than today or than yesterday. I wish you arrived before I fell in love with the man who gave me the deepest heartbreak I ever had. I wish you took me away when I was in a senseless relationship where I used to play the role of a fool.

I wish I have loved you before I chose between two people who want my heart and before I failed to select the one who is willing to give me all the love in this world.

I wish I know even just your name so that I can shun loving the wrong ones.

I really rue these mistakes. However, it is so ironic that I love those mistakes at the same time. Yes, I lost my pride once in my life -- chase a wrong bloke as he run away. Yes, I fell in love profound with an enemy and allowed myself to love a friend. I got hurt. I had my soul melted and let it went out of my eyes as a liquid crystal. I found my heart crumbled -- senseless as a broken doll. I embraced a cactus in the past but I squelched the pain it caused. I made so many errors but its from them that I learned the most. After all, I realized that I must celebrate because God did not let me be owned by these people and reserved me for you. I know you are the perfect one because He wants you for me. Somehow, I must continue to believe that every love gone wrong is a step closer to you. I must be optimistic enough to be your lady. I will continue to be the girl who was raised by love and grew full of love to be able to shower you with incessant love.

I really hate waiting  for I do not know how to wait. But for you, I am willing to learn.

I often tell people who desperately wait that waiting without any reason to hold on is like hoping to spot a shooting star for a wish -- you have no idea if it would pass by the sky above you and if it does, you would need all the luck in this world for your wish to come true. To sum it up, waiting for something when you got no assurance to have it in the end is nil but a waste of time. But, to be with you, I will take the risk. I will not fall in love again for the sake of having a love interest. I will wait until true love comes, until you knock on the door of my heart.

Tonight, God only knows who you are. But one morning, I will wake up knowing every piece of you.

[July 2012]

Bukas Darating ang Kahapon, Tseb

Hindi matatawaran ang mga araw na kasama ko si Tseb. Ang mga araw na ito ay ang mga panahon na ayaw kong maglayag palayo sa karagatan ng aking buhay. Kung maaari ko lamang ikubli ang oras sa aking mga palad at manipulahin ang pag ikot ng mundo, naibalik ko na marahil ang kahapon at naihinto ang pag inog ng daigdig na ito.

Naging napakasakit sa akin ng paglisan ni Tseb. Sa kabila ng lahat ng paghahanda ko sa pagdating ng oras ng kaniyang pag alis ay nabigo pa rin ako na matanggap ang lahat nang siya ay tuluyan ng mawala. Siguro ay tama nga ang sinasabi ng marami na kahit anong preparasyon pa ang gawin mo upang maging handa sa oras ng separasyon ay hinding-hindi ka magiging handa. Paano ko nga ba magagawang tanggapin ang paghihiwalay namin ng landas kung ang daang aking tinatahak ay hindi ko kayang lakbayin ng nag iisa?

Mistula akong isang ibon na nabalian ng pakpak noon. Tila hindi ko na kaya pang lumipad. Sa tuwing susubukan kong halikan ang alapaap ay bumabagsak ako pababa at hinihila ng kirot. Sa tuwing aabutin ko ang kalangitan ay pinahihina ako ng katotohanan na malayo na siya sa akin.

Nakapanlulumo ang bawat umagang dumating kasunod ng araw na iyon. Ang bawat pagsikat ng araw na noon ay sinasalubong ko ng may ngiti at pag asa ay sinisilayan ko na ng may luhang nangingilid sa aking mga mata. Araw-araw ay puno ako ng pangamba sa buhay. Naging napakahirap lumaban. Ang mabuhay ng wala siya ay tila pagmamaneho ng walang manibela, tila pag inom sa baso na ang laman ay ubos na tila pagbabasa ng nakapikit ang mga mata.

Si Tseb ang nagturo sa akin na maging matatag. Siya ang nagpaliwanag sa akin ng kahalagahan ng kumpiyansa sa sarili kong kakayahan. Siya lamang ang palaging tumatayo at naninindigan para sa aking kapakanan. Siya lamang ang nakikinig sa aking mga diaramdam. Siya lamang ang umuunawa sa lahat ng aking kamalian. Walang sinuman, bukod sa kanya, ang nagtiwala at naniwala sa mga bagay na kaya kong gawin. Iminulat niya ako sa mga bagay sa aking sarili na maging ako ay hindi makapaniwalang mayroon ako. Hindi lamang siya isang kakilala o isang kaibigan, itinuturing ko siyang bahagi ng aking pamilya -- isang munting tahanan sa labas ng aming tahanan.

Hindi madali sa akin na tanggapin ang lahat. Ngunit, nagbigay na ng hudyat ang mundong aking ginagalawan. Nagising na ako sa katotohanang hindi ako hihintayin ng oras habang naghihintay na bumalik sa dati ang bawat bagay. Tumayo na ako sa wakas at humabol sa bawat saglit na lumilipas.

Ang mga unang hakbang ay tila paglangoy pasalungat sa agos subalit ng maglaon ay naging kasing dali ito ng pagbagsak ng tubig mula sa tuktok ng talon. Naunawaan ko na rin ang lahat. Hindi ako nabalian ng pakpak. Hindi ako nagmamaneho ng walang manibela. Hindi ako umiinom sa basong walang laman. Hindi ako nagbabasa ng nakapikit ang mga mata. Ako ay ako pa rin kahit hindi ko na kapiling si Tseb.

Pero, kung ako ay tatanungin mo tungkol sa kinalalagyan niya sa buhay ko ngayon, hindi ko masasabing isa na lamang siyang parte ng nakaraan. Kailanman ay hindi nawalan ng puwang sa akin si Tseb. Bahagi siya ng aking kahapon, ngayon at bukas. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit nais ng ibon na liparin ang hangganan ng kalangitan. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit hinangad ng nagmamaneho na may patunguhan. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit lalagyan muli ng iinom ang basong naubusann na ng laman. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit handa ng dumilat ang nagbabasa ng nakapikit upang maging posible na ang lahat. Si Tseb ang aking inspirasyon, ang bukal ng lakas at pag asa.

Malayo man si Tseb ay kapiling ko pa rin siya. Narito pa rin ang kaniyang silid sa tahanan ng aking puso. Malayo man ay magkalapit pa rin kami. Alam ko dahil magkarugtong ang aming mga kaluluwa at kailanman ay hindi ipinaramdam ni Tseb na ako ay nag iisa.

Hanggang ngayon ay ginagamit ko pa rin ang katatagang tinaglay ko dahil sa tulong niya. Nakatanim pa rin sa akin ang sinabi niya noon na ayaw niyang nagmumukha akong mahina sa mata ng iba. Maaaring isipin ng iba na hindi na ako nangungulila, na nakalimutan ko na siya, subalit hindi nito mababago ang katotohanang alam naming dalawa.

Hindi kailanman nawala ang eksistensiya ng aming samahan -- kailanman ay hindi ito mawawala. Mananatili sa dati ang lahat sa kabila ng distansya, mananatili sa dati ang lahat hanggang sa ang kahapon ay maging kasalukuyan ng muli.

Si Raymundo Laddaran. :D Bestfriend ko 'yan! :)

Si Tseb ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan -- ang tanging lalaki na naging napakalapit sa akin bukod sa aking ama, kapatid at sa Dakilang Lumikha. Si Tseb ang aking 'best'.

[July 2012]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxXP20GUafY&feature=related