Someday, she tells herself, it will all be over.
She never thought that that she would love someone deeper than the way she loved her erstwhile man. She does not even expect anyone to come and heal the gash in her heart. But, his hands abruptly pull the tattered edges of her soul together again. Hope rises from the land of her dreams and flies to the sky of a reverie-like reality, a place similar to heaven. A new life starts to blossom because of him.
Everything is perfect -- real, right and fair. But somehow, life is a perfect creation because of its imperfections.
One-sided love broke the see-saw down.
Parcel by parcel, she embraces all the things that he can offer -- even the ones that he cannot.
Except for one thing -- she does not feel her worth.
She tries to search for a tiny strand -- hoping to decipher a concealed evidence pointing to the fact that he loves her too. But, there is neither words nor actions.
You'd understand if your heart was mine.
It is painful.
It is painful to dream of him. It is painful to think of him. It is painful to sleep without his messages. It is painful to wake up knowing that he does not care. It is painful to expect. It is painful not to assume. It is painful to laugh and carry herself fain. It is painful to cry when she chooses not to feign.
It is painful.
But, loving him completes her. It is the drop of her sweetest tear, the strength of her most frightening fear. The most seraphic beat of the drum in her chest, the boon that was sent to her by angels. It is the prize she deserve and the price of all the sadness that the former one gave. It is the best revenge of time, if she has been really responsible for someone's grief. It is not a burden. It is, in fact, a relief.
I'd never wished a lonely heart on you. It's not your fault, I chose to play the fool.
Everything changes, though her feelings remain stoic by the quirks, her faith turns frail. Today, she is no longer a fighter. She is not even trying to survive. She has grown too flimsy. She has been enfeebled upon recognizing the invisible wind of misery.
She could not resent him, however. She could not blame him. But, she wants him to explain. She wants to understand why he let him believe that she has a place in his life -- has a room inside his heart. Was she only dreaming that night? For the words he spoke then and his silence at this moment do not rhyme.
If we had an exchange of hearts, then you'd know why I fell apart.
He could never know how she hero-worship him. He could never discern his place in every dream she aim. He could never feel how profound her love is. He may feel it but it is more than what he could notice.
He could never understand what she does not even understand. But if fate would favor her for a second and let their hearts alter each other's castles, maybe he would appreciate her -- even a little, even for a second.
Time turns the tables and soon I'll be able to find a new romance. And then you'll remember my love, warm and tender, too late for a second chance.
One day, she will be strong enough to squelch the loneliness. She will be able to open her hands and let go of their good old days. She will stop missing him. His charm will lose its power over her. And, although it may take long before she could finally feel the magic once more, she knows that time will come and she will learn to love again.
Someday, she tells herself, it will all be over -- the pain and the longing, the bitterness and the wailing. And, missing him will not be her struggle. Someday, she will take her heart back and give it to another -- to bloke who utterly cares.
[May 2013]
