Sealed With Zeal (A Letter For My One True Love)

Sometimes, I get tired of believing that you will walk into my life one day. Sometimes, I want to stop waiting for the wonderful sunrise that was meant to bring you to me.

I hate being lonely. I grew up believing that life is a glimpse of heaven -- a paradise of butterflies and roses where I can find everything I want to see, where can have everything I wish to hold. I always believe that all the wrong things in my life today will be right as rain tomorrow, that nothing is permanently impossible because God is there to control even the deepest sorrow. With all heaven's grace, I bloomed into a young lady who perceives life as a never-ending fairytale where she was meant to glow in bliss.

I was contented all my life -- I belong to a happy family, I have so many friends who love me. However, I realized that something is missing in my world. At some point, I was forced by my own spirit to search for what is lacking.

It took me so long to solve the puzzle until Agatha Christie gave me a hint. She told me in her novel, Sad Cypress, that the one who never really love has never really live. I then fathomed that I need to look for you.

I began to think about you, I started wanting you so desperately. In every solemn prayer that I say, I end up most of times asking Him so earnestly to give you to me even if today can be so early. But, is it a sin to feel excited in meeting your true love?

There are days when I discern myself as a stupid lass and I believe that it is normal. Perhaps, my mind is right to believe that it is a crime to live for the future when I still have a life to live in the present. Sometimes, I want to believe that you are only a pipedream. There is no trace of your existence. There is no evidence that points out to the reality that you can be real someday.

However, as an article expresses, the future is as real as the past. Everytime I was about to cede, I hear its writer's voice whispering in my ear, "Just because you aren't there yet doesn't mean it isn't there... It was like Baghdad being real when you are in London."

Somehow, there is a need for me to find you. I really have to find you.

I think of you from time to time. I wonder where you are tonight. Are you lying wide awake or are you in the midst of a sound sleep? Are you loving someone tonight or are you hoping to fall in love soon enough? Are you being loved exactly as the way you always want or are you looking for somebody who is willing to give you her whole heart? If you are in a perfect relationship, are you sated in her arms or are you nonplussed because you feel that you belong elsewhere? If you are amid the scattered shreds of your broken heart, are you wishing for her to come back home or are you praying to meet me anon?

You know, I always think of you -- how you move, how you talk, how winsome you are. I do not know if we knew each other already. It is impossible for me to figure out if you have met me already along the way without noticing that you were made for me. But, I know how it feels to be by your side because I have been with you for several moments. I know it sounds so weird and no one can understand what I mean but i really saw you in my sweetest dreams. Although, each time I wake up, I always forget to remember your face.

I do cherish the time I am spending right now as I wait for you. But, to be honest, I often lose hope. I often cry. Sometimes, it hurts so bad that I even get mad at you.

I starkly do not know what is taking you so long. I utterly want to be with you now. I want to ask you so many things.

Why did you let me envy all the girls out there who already found someone to hold? Why did you allow me to get jealous with those women who were numbskull enough to ignore those who love them so much? Why did you permit me to get hurt?

I wish you came earlier than tomorrow, even earlier than today or than yesterday. I wish you arrived before I fell in love with the man who gave me the deepest heartbreak I ever had. I wish you took me away when I was in a senseless relationship where I used to play the role of a fool.

I wish I have loved you before I chose between two people who want my heart and before I failed to select the one who is willing to give me all the love in this world.

I wish I know even just your name so that I can shun loving the wrong ones.

I really rue these mistakes. However, it is so ironic that I love those mistakes at the same time. Yes, I lost my pride once in my life -- chase a wrong bloke as he run away. Yes, I fell in love profound with an enemy and allowed myself to love a friend. I got hurt. I had my soul melted and let it went out of my eyes as a liquid crystal. I found my heart crumbled -- senseless as a broken doll. I embraced a cactus in the past but I squelched the pain it caused. I made so many errors but its from them that I learned the most. After all, I realized that I must celebrate because God did not let me be owned by these people and reserved me for you. I know you are the perfect one because He wants you for me. Somehow, I must continue to believe that every love gone wrong is a step closer to you. I must be optimistic enough to be your lady. I will continue to be the girl who was raised by love and grew full of love to be able to shower you with incessant love.

I really hate waiting  for I do not know how to wait. But for you, I am willing to learn.

I often tell people who desperately wait that waiting without any reason to hold on is like hoping to spot a shooting star for a wish -- you have no idea if it would pass by the sky above you and if it does, you would need all the luck in this world for your wish to come true. To sum it up, waiting for something when you got no assurance to have it in the end is nil but a waste of time. But, to be with you, I will take the risk. I will not fall in love again for the sake of having a love interest. I will wait until true love comes, until you knock on the door of my heart.

Tonight, God only knows who you are. But one morning, I will wake up knowing every piece of you.

[July 2012]