Mas Kailangan Mo Na Ang Panyo, Steven

"I am all alone without you. The days are dark without the glimpse of you."

Nawala ako sa konsentrasyon nang marinig ko sa radyo ang awiting Your Love. Walang anu-ano'y nakalimutan ko ang aking dapat isulat. May biglang pumasok sa isipan ko si Steven, isang dating kaibigan na nakasakay ko sa tren kahapon.

"Hinanap ko siya ngunit ibang tao ang aking nakita. Binalikan ko siya. Binalikan ko siya ngunit wala na siya. Wala na akong dinatnan pa." Habang nagsasalita siya ay napuna ko ang malungkot na pagkislap ng kanyang mga mata -- puno iyon ng pait at panghihinayang. Napansin ko rin na malaki ang ipinagbago niya. Wala na ang dating sigla niya. Wala na ang mga ngiting noon ay naipapamalas pa rin niya sa gitna ng kalungkutan.

Matagal na buhat noong iwanan niya si Jane. Ang sabi pa niya ay masyado pa silang bata para seryosohin ang mga bagay-bagay katulad ng pag-ibig. Hindi raw niya nais na magkaroon ng sagabal sa buhay niya pagdating niya sa kolehiyo. Sagabal -- ang salitang ito ay punyal na humiwa sa puso ni Jane at ang dugo na nagmumula sa sugat na iyon ay lumabas sa kanyang katawan sa pamamagitan ng walang hanggang luha sa kanyang mga mata. Dumaan ang mga araw, lumipas ang mga linggo, ang mga dumarating na buwan ay tumakbo ng mabilis patungo sa taon habang ang daigdig ng kaibigan kong si Jane ay nanatiling nakahinto. Sa mga panahon ng pagdurusa ay hindi ako tumigil na makinig, magpatahan at magpangiti sa kanya kahit na alam kong hindi niya kayang maging ganap na masaya. Ang unang sugat daw na likha ng pag-ibig ay matagal kung mawala. Marahil ay totoo iyon sapagkat ilang taon na ang lumipas ngunit si Jane ay nakatunghay pa rin sa pintuan ng kanilang bahay na sa araw ay nakabukas at sa gabi naman ay nakasara -- umaasang darating ang araw na bigla na lamang lilitaw si Steven sa kanyang harapan o sasapit ang isang gabi sa buhay niya kung kailan bigla nalang itong kakatok at sasabihing may pag-ibig pa ito sa kanya. Naghintay siya ng naghintay hanggang sa isang araw ay sinubukan niyang tumayo sa silyang sa wakas ay makapagpapahinga na.

Lumabas siya sa tahanang noon ay hindi niya magawang iwanan  ng walang ideya na babalik siya sa tahanang iyon dala ang lahat ng sigla ng mundo na tinangay palayo ng una niyang kasintahan. Muli niyang nakita ang silahis ng araw. Ang mga luha ay unti-unti ng pumanaw. Naubos na ang bawat piraso ng mapait na nakaraan. Maging ang walang hanggan pala ay mayroon din katapusan. Nakakatuwang isipin na kung kailan nakalimutan na niyang kaya niya palang magmahal ay may dumating para ipaalala sa kanya kung paano iyon.

Maayos na ang lahat sa buhay ni Jane. Sa totoo lang ay hindi na niya kailangan ang panyo ko ngayon. Hindi naman dahil sa may sarili na siyang panyo -- sadyang wala lang talaga siyang paggagamitan, maliban nalang kung hindi makayanan ng kanyang mga kamay na pahirin ang luha ng kaligayahan sa kanyang mga mata.

Napailing na lamang ako. Sa aking isipan ay natatanaw ko ang alaalang binuo ng aking mga kaibigan ng magkasama, walong taon pabalik -- mga gunitang winasak ng isang maikli ngunit winasak ng isang maikli ngunit makapangyarihang salita, "paalam".

Sa ngayon ay pilit kong iniisip kung bakit si Steven ang nagdurusa. Siya ang nang-iwan at ang paghihiwalay nila ay kagustuhan niyang lahat. Hindi niya tinanong si Jane kung nais ba nito ng separasyon at nagdesisyon siya ng mag-isa. Lahat ng ito ay hinangad niya -- ang kalayaan, ang distansya at ang buhay na malayo sa dati niyang prinsesa. Ngunit, bakit sa huli ay siya pa ang nasasaktan at nangungulila? Masakit ba talaga na makita ang taong minsang nagmahal sa iyo na may iniibig ng iba? Mahirap ba talagang tanggapin na may iba ng mundo ang noon ay kalawakan ang turing sa iyo? Hindi nga ba madaling harapin ang katotohanan na ang minsan mong itinapon mo sa pag-aakalang sira na ito ay napulot ng iba at nakita na hindi naman talaga ito ang may problema kung hindi ang mismong nagtapon dito? Pag-ibig nga ba ang nararamdaman niya o purong panghihinayang lang? Wala lamang ba siyang nahanap na iba kaya ngayon ay bumabalik siya o sadyang kinailangan munang mawalan siya bago siya makuntento, bago niya mapagtanto na ang lahat pala ng nais niya ay nasa kanya na bago pa man siya naghangad ng inaakala niyang kailangan niya?

Natapos na pala ang awiting tumutugtog kanina na noon ay alay ni Jane sa kanyang unang pag-ibig. Iba na ang tumutugtog ngayon -- isang mas maganda at mas may kabuluhang kanta.

Muli kong tiningnan ang papel na dapat sana ay mapupuno na ng sulat ngayon kung hindi ipinalimot ng sandali sa akin ang lahat. Napabuntong-hininga na lamang ako at ibinulong sa sarili ko ang aking napagtanto. Kung gaano ka nahirapan noon na kalimutan ang pagmamahal mo sa kanya ay ganoon din kahirap alalahanin ang pag-ibig na iyon. Mali, mas masahol pa pala. Sa nakikita ko, imposible ng maalala pa siya ng puso nitong siya lamang ang kilala kahapon.

Hindi ko na inisip pa kung ano ang dapat na isusulat ko. May mas maganda na akong dapat ilarawan gamit ang salitta. Gagawa ako ngayon ng isang katha tungkol kay Steven.

May tatlong uri lamang ng bagay sa daigdig na ito -- ang mga bagay sa para sa iyo, ang mga bagay na hindi para sa iyo at ang mga bagay na para. sana sa iyo. Ang pagtangis ko ay alay ko sa iyo, Steven. Ako na lamang ang gagamit ng panyong ito sapagkat kailanman ay hindi na muling papatak ang luha ni Jane para sa iyo.

[November 2013]

Worthless Butterfly

My wings, can you see how lovely they are? They were yours in days of yore. But, you let them fly -- fly away from your sapphire sky.

In the silence of a sad, weakening morning, I find myself inside the four corners of a lonely room, busy doing nothing. The only light I have is the one coming from the sun, no other face of hope is present. The room remains cold and dark despite it. But, I believe, I shall cherish this. The morning light is a blessing that everyone must relish.

With heaven's grace, sitting by the window, I smile as I look at the clouds wandering along the endless heaven. In spite of waking up in the bed of profound swizz and obfuscating thoughts, I will face the world without a trace of pain in my eyes the moment I go out. I should learn to feign and conceal the fact that without him, I cannot live fain.

His eyes are the most precious of all the stars. His voice is the only music I that want to hear. His smile is sweet and glittering. But when i deciphered the reason behind that smile, I got hurt.

The bitterness in me is something that is too hard to bear. I did try to save the mirth but I failed to stop it from leaving. Now, all that I have is the fact that my affection for him is surfeit. Inside his heart, I know, I do not fit.

I still remember the days when a possibility exists, when there is a hope that tomorrow could be ours. My faith was strong and real then. But, today as the last few leaves are slowly falling in front of me, all I can vide is a bleeding gash. Now, what beleaguers my life is the ilk of loneliness that nobody else but me could discern.

Crumbled in pieces, my heart is now in tiny shreds. However, though I resent this forest so much, I will still continue to wander around this place. Instead of searching for a way out of here, I would just enjoy this sojourn. Happiness often lies around the corner of the spot where you mourn.

I am frail, broken and windswept. My wings? Yes, they are lovely and they were yours in days of yore but you let them fly.

Yes, I did fly away from your sky. But, you know what? I fell.

I am nil but a creeping insect now -- and I will continue to creep until God finished fixing my wings. Someday, you will see me flying again.

[November 2012]

A Piece of Heaven

Miscreant, I am a terrible sinner. I am a criminal and I do not deserve freedom. I should be sated in the jail of bitterness. I must be imprisoned by loneliness.

You said that you do not like the idea of sending a letter to anybody but you still made one for me. You told me that I was the first and you should know that it is a great pleasure for every girl to be the first love of a man. I was flattered then. But, more than the lovely feeling of being loved, I felt a streak of disappointment in my heart. Your words wounded me and left a scar -- reminding me from time to that letting you know how much I love you was too late. I was already responsible of expressing such to someone else.

I decided to say goodbye. I left you in the middle of the a crowded street to sigh. I took the path en route to his life. I walked away without looking back. I wish I could tell you that all want is to be with the only man who made me fall in love as deep as that. I must embrace the roughness of my shattered dreams. Things were not the same as before. In your sky, I shall avoid to soar.

I watched you struggling amid the downpour of incessant tears. Believe me, the memory of your painful chagrin knows how to haunt me perfectly. There are times, somewhere in the night, when I hear you singing the hymn of your broken heart. Your voice, as seraphic as it was then, still sounds like that of an angel. However, pain has a way of blending with it and the emotions in your song became emotional now. Somehow, your ghost is something that I could never eschew. I am burdened by the fact that I ruined not just your reality but even your reveries.

Honestly, I resent every moment when I have to heed to your whine as it echoes within the empty space of my room -- bouncing from a wall to another.  It feels so bad to realize that I let your winsome face turned ashen right before my eyes. Just in case you are not aware, this kind of guilt is slowly killing the garden of mirth in me. You may not know it but I am dying to hear stories from your friends about your present life. Knowing that you are happy now will make me feel completely fine. Terrible nightmares are roads en route to one's real fairytale. It would be an honor to be one of those roads.

I am sorry. If I let you waiting for nothing, please forgive me. I am sorry. If I was too stupid to read your sign then, please understand. I am sorry. I have no senses afore. I failed to distinguish right from wrong.

On the other hand, though I am aware of my faults, I want to tell you that you also made mistakes then. I was the one who felt the pain first. You ignored me when I need your attention. You made me feel alone when I am longing for a companion. My heart got broken before yours. Now, tell me, am I the only one to be blamed?

Do not think that the tears you have cried were planned. I never dream to give you a profound kind of sadness. I abandoned you and your sacrifices in the past because it was already too late. I would be a fool to hurt the one who saved my heart from being crumbled. I know you believe that a right love at the wrong time is still wrong but you should have known that a wrong love at the right time was never right. You and me did not succeed because we kept waiting for the perfect time without realizing that a perfect weather does not exist.

From a distance, I saw you curse your destiny. But, Darling, there's no such thing as meant to be. This world has given you a lot of chances but you allowed them to slip through your fingers. Your shred of paradise was in front of you ere but you gazed at the different part of the sky.

I am done blaming myself. I am now out of the jail. This time, it is not because of a bail.

[November 2012]