Kahapon

Ang mga kaibigan, madalas wikain ng aking ama, ay parang panaginip.

Humakbang ako ng pasulong, papasok sa tarangkahang niluma na ng panahon. Puno ako ng sigla, ako pa ba ang hindi matutuwa? Makakasama ko ulit sila -- maririnig ang mga hagikgik na saglit kong hindi nadinig. Haaay, kay sarap isiping ako ay muling nagbalik.

Kumislap ang aking mga mata. Nakatayo pa rin ang apat na bahay. Ngunit -- sandali lang -- parang may iba. Iginala ko ang aking paningin, inikot hanggang sa may mapansin. Nasaan na ang bahay-bahayan?

Isa-isa silang lumapit. Bumilang ako sa isip.

"Kumusta na?" May nagtanong.

Huminto ako sa pagbibilang. Hindi ko na inalam kung kumpleto ba sila o kulang. Nagsimula ang kwentuhan.

"Parang kailan lang..."

"Ito na ba 'yong kapatid mo?"

"Kumusta na si..."

"Tayo dati..."

"Akalain mo..."

Masaya. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam. Wala pa rin nagbago. Hindi sila nagbago.

Nagpatuloy ang kwentuhan, ang paggalaw ng mga kulay. Walang anu-ano ay nasulyapan ko ang sementadong pader -- na walang buhay ngunit tila kumakaway. Sa diwa ko ay inisa-isa kong basahin ang mga nakasulat na salita, ang mga nakalimbag na pangalan -- ang mga nakaukit na alaala. Naisip ko bigla: ang tagal na rin pala.

Isa, dalawa -- hindi, anim. Halos anim na taon. Mahigit kalahating dekada na mula noong lisanin namin ang lugar na ito. At sa loob ng dalawang taon ay hindi ko nagawang bisitahin itong pook na siyang nag-ugoy sa duyan ng kabataan ko.

Wala naman nagbago, sa tagal ng panahon. Mainit pa rin ang pagtanggap ng aking mga unang kaibigan. Ang lumang bahay ay nakatayo pa rin -- mga dingding at haligi na lamang ang naiwan. Ang puno ay naroon pa rin, bagamat sa lilim nito ay wala na ang mga batang naglulutu-lutuan. Ang upuang yari sa semento ay hindi pa rin nasisira ngunit ang mga paslit na nag-aaral-aralan ay hindi ko na namataan. Napabuntong-hininga ako.

Sa kabila ng mga pagbabago ay nagagalak ako. Mainit ang alab ng muling pagkikita. Lalo man nangulila ay hindi ko maitatanggi ang tuwa. Kaya pala sa panaginip ay palaging natatagpuan ko sila.

Nagpatuloy ang paglipas ng mga saglit. Kailangan ko ng umuwi.

Bago lumabas ng tarangkahan ay nilingon ko sila. Hindi ko na nagawang bumilang pa. Naisip ko na nagkamali ako ng akala kanina, na katulad pa rin kami ng dati na kumpleto at masaya.

Sa kasabikang humakbang ng pasulong, papasok sa tarangkahang niluma na ng panahon, ay halos hindi ko namalayang lumakad ako ng paurong. Mabuti na lamang at narinig ko ang ilang hagikgik na malabo ko ng madinig pa. Dahil mayroon ng lumayo at mayroon din nawala, may lumagay na sa tahimik at may isang namayapa na.

Ang mga kaibigan ay parang panaginip daw. Marahil ay ganoon nga. Ngunit kung may isang panaginip na gusto kong magpaulit-ulit, iyon ay ang mga sandali sa piling ng aking mga kababata -- mga panahong simple lamang ang lahat, walang mga bagabag at paglalaro lamang ang tanging ligaya.

[May 2013]

After a Thousand Tomorrows

Someday, she tells herself, it will all be over.

She never thought that that she would love someone deeper than the way she loved her erstwhile man. She does not even expect anyone to come and heal the gash in her heart. But, his hands abruptly pull the tattered edges of her soul together again. Hope rises from the land of her dreams and flies to the sky of a reverie-like reality, a place similar to heaven. A new life starts to blossom because of him.

Everything is perfect -- real, right and fair. But somehow, life is a perfect creation because of its imperfections.

One-sided love broke the see-saw down.

Parcel by parcel, she embraces all the things that he can offer -- even the ones that he cannot.

Except for one thing -- she does not feel her worth.

She tries to search for a tiny strand -- hoping to decipher a concealed evidence pointing to the fact that he loves her too. But, there is neither words nor actions.

You'd understand if your heart was mine.

It is painful.

It is painful to dream of him. It is painful to think of him. It is painful to sleep without his messages. It is painful to wake up knowing that he does not care. It is painful to expect. It is painful not to assume. It is painful to laugh and carry herself fain. It is painful to cry when she chooses not to feign.

It is painful.

But, loving him completes her. It is the drop of her sweetest tear, the strength of her most frightening fear. The most seraphic beat of the drum in her chest, the boon that was sent to her by angels. It is the prize she deserve and the price of all the sadness that the former one gave. It is the best revenge of time, if she has been really responsible for someone's grief. It is not a burden. It is, in fact, a relief.

I'd never wished a lonely heart on you. It's not your fault, I chose to play the fool.

Everything changes, though her feelings remain stoic by the quirks, her faith turns frail. Today, she is no longer a fighter. She is not even trying to survive. She has grown too flimsy. She has been enfeebled upon recognizing the invisible wind of misery.

She could not resent him, however. She could not blame him. But, she wants him to explain. She wants to understand why he let him believe that she has a place in his life -- has a room inside his heart. Was she only dreaming that night? For the words he spoke then and his silence at this moment do not rhyme.

If we had an exchange of hearts, then you'd know why I fell apart.

He could never know how she hero-worship him. He could never discern his place in every dream she aim. He could never feel how profound her love is. He may feel it but it is more than what he could notice.

He could never understand what she does not even understand. But if fate would favor her for a second and let their hearts alter each other's castles, maybe he would appreciate her -- even a little, even for a second.

Time turns the tables and soon I'll be able to find a new romance. And then you'll remember my love, warm and tender, too late for a second chance.

One day, she will be strong enough to squelch the loneliness. She will be able to open her hands and let go of their good old days. She will stop missing him. His charm will lose its power over her. And, although it may take long before she could finally feel the magic once more, she knows that time will come and she will learn to love again.

Someday, she tells herself, it will all be over -- the pain and the longing, the bitterness and the wailing. And, missing him will not be her struggle. Someday, she will take her heart back and give it to another -- to bloke who utterly cares.

[May 2013]