Sealed With Zeal (A Letter For My One True Love)

Sometimes, I get tired of believing that you will walk into my life one day. Sometimes, I want to stop waiting for the wonderful sunrise that was meant to bring you to me.

I hate being lonely. I grew up believing that life is a glimpse of heaven -- a paradise of butterflies and roses where I can find everything I want to see, where can have everything I wish to hold. I always believe that all the wrong things in my life today will be right as rain tomorrow, that nothing is permanently impossible because God is there to control even the deepest sorrow. With all heaven's grace, I bloomed into a young lady who perceives life as a never-ending fairytale where she was meant to glow in bliss.

I was contented all my life -- I belong to a happy family, I have so many friends who love me. However, I realized that something is missing in my world. At some point, I was forced by my own spirit to search for what is lacking.

It took me so long to solve the puzzle until Agatha Christie gave me a hint. She told me in her novel, Sad Cypress, that the one who never really love has never really live. I then fathomed that I need to look for you.

I began to think about you, I started wanting you so desperately. In every solemn prayer that I say, I end up most of times asking Him so earnestly to give you to me even if today can be so early. But, is it a sin to feel excited in meeting your true love?

There are days when I discern myself as a stupid lass and I believe that it is normal. Perhaps, my mind is right to believe that it is a crime to live for the future when I still have a life to live in the present. Sometimes, I want to believe that you are only a pipedream. There is no trace of your existence. There is no evidence that points out to the reality that you can be real someday.

However, as an article expresses, the future is as real as the past. Everytime I was about to cede, I hear its writer's voice whispering in my ear, "Just because you aren't there yet doesn't mean it isn't there... It was like Baghdad being real when you are in London."

Somehow, there is a need for me to find you. I really have to find you.

I think of you from time to time. I wonder where you are tonight. Are you lying wide awake or are you in the midst of a sound sleep? Are you loving someone tonight or are you hoping to fall in love soon enough? Are you being loved exactly as the way you always want or are you looking for somebody who is willing to give you her whole heart? If you are in a perfect relationship, are you sated in her arms or are you nonplussed because you feel that you belong elsewhere? If you are amid the scattered shreds of your broken heart, are you wishing for her to come back home or are you praying to meet me anon?

You know, I always think of you -- how you move, how you talk, how winsome you are. I do not know if we knew each other already. It is impossible for me to figure out if you have met me already along the way without noticing that you were made for me. But, I know how it feels to be by your side because I have been with you for several moments. I know it sounds so weird and no one can understand what I mean but i really saw you in my sweetest dreams. Although, each time I wake up, I always forget to remember your face.

I do cherish the time I am spending right now as I wait for you. But, to be honest, I often lose hope. I often cry. Sometimes, it hurts so bad that I even get mad at you.

I starkly do not know what is taking you so long. I utterly want to be with you now. I want to ask you so many things.

Why did you let me envy all the girls out there who already found someone to hold? Why did you allow me to get jealous with those women who were numbskull enough to ignore those who love them so much? Why did you permit me to get hurt?

I wish you came earlier than tomorrow, even earlier than today or than yesterday. I wish you arrived before I fell in love with the man who gave me the deepest heartbreak I ever had. I wish you took me away when I was in a senseless relationship where I used to play the role of a fool.

I wish I have loved you before I chose between two people who want my heart and before I failed to select the one who is willing to give me all the love in this world.

I wish I know even just your name so that I can shun loving the wrong ones.

I really rue these mistakes. However, it is so ironic that I love those mistakes at the same time. Yes, I lost my pride once in my life -- chase a wrong bloke as he run away. Yes, I fell in love profound with an enemy and allowed myself to love a friend. I got hurt. I had my soul melted and let it went out of my eyes as a liquid crystal. I found my heart crumbled -- senseless as a broken doll. I embraced a cactus in the past but I squelched the pain it caused. I made so many errors but its from them that I learned the most. After all, I realized that I must celebrate because God did not let me be owned by these people and reserved me for you. I know you are the perfect one because He wants you for me. Somehow, I must continue to believe that every love gone wrong is a step closer to you. I must be optimistic enough to be your lady. I will continue to be the girl who was raised by love and grew full of love to be able to shower you with incessant love.

I really hate waiting  for I do not know how to wait. But for you, I am willing to learn.

I often tell people who desperately wait that waiting without any reason to hold on is like hoping to spot a shooting star for a wish -- you have no idea if it would pass by the sky above you and if it does, you would need all the luck in this world for your wish to come true. To sum it up, waiting for something when you got no assurance to have it in the end is nil but a waste of time. But, to be with you, I will take the risk. I will not fall in love again for the sake of having a love interest. I will wait until true love comes, until you knock on the door of my heart.

Tonight, God only knows who you are. But one morning, I will wake up knowing every piece of you.

[July 2012]

Bukas Darating ang Kahapon, Tseb

Hindi matatawaran ang mga araw na kasama ko si Tseb. Ang mga araw na ito ay ang mga panahon na ayaw kong maglayag palayo sa karagatan ng aking buhay. Kung maaari ko lamang ikubli ang oras sa aking mga palad at manipulahin ang pag ikot ng mundo, naibalik ko na marahil ang kahapon at naihinto ang pag inog ng daigdig na ito.

Naging napakasakit sa akin ng paglisan ni Tseb. Sa kabila ng lahat ng paghahanda ko sa pagdating ng oras ng kaniyang pag alis ay nabigo pa rin ako na matanggap ang lahat nang siya ay tuluyan ng mawala. Siguro ay tama nga ang sinasabi ng marami na kahit anong preparasyon pa ang gawin mo upang maging handa sa oras ng separasyon ay hinding-hindi ka magiging handa. Paano ko nga ba magagawang tanggapin ang paghihiwalay namin ng landas kung ang daang aking tinatahak ay hindi ko kayang lakbayin ng nag iisa?

Mistula akong isang ibon na nabalian ng pakpak noon. Tila hindi ko na kaya pang lumipad. Sa tuwing susubukan kong halikan ang alapaap ay bumabagsak ako pababa at hinihila ng kirot. Sa tuwing aabutin ko ang kalangitan ay pinahihina ako ng katotohanan na malayo na siya sa akin.

Nakapanlulumo ang bawat umagang dumating kasunod ng araw na iyon. Ang bawat pagsikat ng araw na noon ay sinasalubong ko ng may ngiti at pag asa ay sinisilayan ko na ng may luhang nangingilid sa aking mga mata. Araw-araw ay puno ako ng pangamba sa buhay. Naging napakahirap lumaban. Ang mabuhay ng wala siya ay tila pagmamaneho ng walang manibela, tila pag inom sa baso na ang laman ay ubos na tila pagbabasa ng nakapikit ang mga mata.

Si Tseb ang nagturo sa akin na maging matatag. Siya ang nagpaliwanag sa akin ng kahalagahan ng kumpiyansa sa sarili kong kakayahan. Siya lamang ang palaging tumatayo at naninindigan para sa aking kapakanan. Siya lamang ang nakikinig sa aking mga diaramdam. Siya lamang ang umuunawa sa lahat ng aking kamalian. Walang sinuman, bukod sa kanya, ang nagtiwala at naniwala sa mga bagay na kaya kong gawin. Iminulat niya ako sa mga bagay sa aking sarili na maging ako ay hindi makapaniwalang mayroon ako. Hindi lamang siya isang kakilala o isang kaibigan, itinuturing ko siyang bahagi ng aking pamilya -- isang munting tahanan sa labas ng aming tahanan.

Hindi madali sa akin na tanggapin ang lahat. Ngunit, nagbigay na ng hudyat ang mundong aking ginagalawan. Nagising na ako sa katotohanang hindi ako hihintayin ng oras habang naghihintay na bumalik sa dati ang bawat bagay. Tumayo na ako sa wakas at humabol sa bawat saglit na lumilipas.

Ang mga unang hakbang ay tila paglangoy pasalungat sa agos subalit ng maglaon ay naging kasing dali ito ng pagbagsak ng tubig mula sa tuktok ng talon. Naunawaan ko na rin ang lahat. Hindi ako nabalian ng pakpak. Hindi ako nagmamaneho ng walang manibela. Hindi ako umiinom sa basong walang laman. Hindi ako nagbabasa ng nakapikit ang mga mata. Ako ay ako pa rin kahit hindi ko na kapiling si Tseb.

Pero, kung ako ay tatanungin mo tungkol sa kinalalagyan niya sa buhay ko ngayon, hindi ko masasabing isa na lamang siyang parte ng nakaraan. Kailanman ay hindi nawalan ng puwang sa akin si Tseb. Bahagi siya ng aking kahapon, ngayon at bukas. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit nais ng ibon na liparin ang hangganan ng kalangitan. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit hinangad ng nagmamaneho na may patunguhan. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit lalagyan muli ng iinom ang basong naubusann na ng laman. Siya ang dahilan kung bakit handa ng dumilat ang nagbabasa ng nakapikit upang maging posible na ang lahat. Si Tseb ang aking inspirasyon, ang bukal ng lakas at pag asa.

Malayo man si Tseb ay kapiling ko pa rin siya. Narito pa rin ang kaniyang silid sa tahanan ng aking puso. Malayo man ay magkalapit pa rin kami. Alam ko dahil magkarugtong ang aming mga kaluluwa at kailanman ay hindi ipinaramdam ni Tseb na ako ay nag iisa.

Hanggang ngayon ay ginagamit ko pa rin ang katatagang tinaglay ko dahil sa tulong niya. Nakatanim pa rin sa akin ang sinabi niya noon na ayaw niyang nagmumukha akong mahina sa mata ng iba. Maaaring isipin ng iba na hindi na ako nangungulila, na nakalimutan ko na siya, subalit hindi nito mababago ang katotohanang alam naming dalawa.

Hindi kailanman nawala ang eksistensiya ng aming samahan -- kailanman ay hindi ito mawawala. Mananatili sa dati ang lahat sa kabila ng distansya, mananatili sa dati ang lahat hanggang sa ang kahapon ay maging kasalukuyan ng muli.

Si Raymundo Laddaran. :D Bestfriend ko 'yan! :)

Si Tseb ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan -- ang tanging lalaki na naging napakalapit sa akin bukod sa aking ama, kapatid at sa Dakilang Lumikha. Si Tseb ang aking 'best'.

[July 2012]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxXP20GUafY&feature=related

Isang Gabi Sa Buhay Ni M

May dalawang uri ng bagay sa daigdig -- ang mga karapat-dapat ipaglaban kahit hangad mo ng bitiwan at ang mga dapat bitiwan upang ipaglaban ang mas karapat-dapat.

Tinahak niya ang isang mahaba at mabatong kalsada, isang daanan na tinatahak niya pa rin kahit malayo ito sa imahe ng landas na pangarap niyang lakbayin. Unti-unti ng pumanaw ang liwanag. Maging ang araw ay hindi siya nais panigan. Kahibangan nga marahil ang kaniyang naging pasya. Ngunit, ano nga ba ang kanyang magagawa kung ito ang nais ng puso niya?

Lumipas ang panahon. Nagsimula siyang maglakbay ng pagapang. Ayon sa kanya, sa paulit-ulit pagkadapa ay mamabutihin na lamang niyang gumapang, masakit ngunit hindi kawangis ng kirot na nadarama niya sa tuwing ibinabagsak siya ng tadhana.

Sa totoo lamang ay hindi ko maunawaan ang punto niya. Hindi ko rin alam kung alin ang mas masakit sa dalawa--ang pagbagsak bago pa man makalikom ng sapat na lakas na upang pagbangon o ang paggapang sa magaspang at madilim na pangarap? Marahil ay hindi ko talaga mahuhukay ang kasagutan sapagkat kailanman ay hindi pa ako naging bahagi ng ganoong klaseng pakikidigma.

Matagal-tagal rin bago niya nakitang muli ang liwanag at nalungkot siya nang mapagtantong naging napakabuti nito sa iba. Nakita niya ang taong dahilan ng kanyang mga sugat at pasa, nasa dulo ng daan at malayang nagsasaya sa piling iba. Doon niya napagtanto ang lahat. Kailanman ay hindi siya nito binigyan ng pagsusulit. Hinamon lamang niya ang sarili upang patunayan ang katapatan ng kanyang pag ibig.

Siya ay lumuhod at napaluha. Tinanaw niya ang hangganan ng patag na daang pinapangarap niyang lakbayin subalit kanyang tinalikdan para sa babaeng tunay niyang iniibig. Ang naroon pala ay isang dilag na batid niyang siya ang itinatangi, isang dalagang lumuluhang lumisan at hindi na niya nakita pang muli.

[June 2012]

Ito ang larawan naming dalawa ni 'M' noong J.S. Prom. Si 'M' ay isa sa mga pinakapinagkakatiwalaan kong kaibigan noong high school. Madalas humingi ng payo siyang humingi ng payo sa akin. Hindi ko alam kong may natututuhan ba siya sa mga ipinapayo ko . Sana Mayroon din kahit na papaano. Dahil ako, napakarami kong natutuhan habang pinapayuhan ko siya. Hindi ko man nasasabi sa kanya pero talagang saludo ako sa katapangan ni 'M'. Hangad ko na matagpuan na niya ang kaniyang tunay na kaligayahan.

Another Sunrise

Her face was familiar to him. She knows nil except for his name. They were completely strangers afore.

             

 Somewhere in the coldest afternoon of her life, amid the downpour of unceasing tears and unending loneliness, he offered her shoulder to her and heeded to her sorrowful wail.

                 

The two became friends.

             

He, who used to be a stranger, turned to be the closest lad to her. She, who used to be an ordinary young lady, became an important woman who deserves his arms for protection. He was her hero – someone better than Cinderella’s Prince, a man that exists.

                 

Then, an astonishing quirk of fate happened.

                

Wonderful days, dazzling weeks, blissful fortnights and meaningful months passed by like a streak of lightning. They became closer – close enough to fall in love.

             

She can still recall the exact scene that night. Under the scintillating stars and somnolent clouds, as a beautiful love song plays, she accepted his love. And, while holding each others they looked forward with zeal – hoping that things will last until eternity.

         

They dreamed to reach the endless sky together. They wished to share a life forever. They created a lot of plans, surpassed so many trials and enjoyed a superfluous affection

             

But, eternity was not meant for their love.

         

Their relationship abruptly became insipid – tasteless as the air. They had lots of issues that caused them later on to rupture in tears.

         

She watched him relish his life alone. She gazed at him as he expresses his love for someone else. Her world turned into a moon-blanched city while he embraces a new cerulean paradise – a place like heaven, away from the shadow of his erstwhile lass.

         

It was never easy to forget the story behind her derelict heart and weeping soul. Oftentimes, she feigns to be alright and talk fain only to conceal the pain she bears within.

             

However, fresh memories began erasing the rotten ones.

         

She finally woke up from the nightmare of her painful past. She was no longer afraid to see the ghosts of yesterday which she used to eschew ere.

             

They met again one day.

         

Fate allowed them to grab back their good old days, not as lovers but as friends. The wizened tree of their friendship grew afresh. Somehow, they were destined to live this way.

[October 2011]

Surreptitious Paradise

Amid the cerulean heaven of her deepest dream, a perfect love exists – a wonderful rope of sweet-scented flowers connecting her to him.

              

The evening was as serene as the Garden of Eden when they first met. The stars were dancing in an endless sky that bears the absence of light – feasting with the moon as it smiles at the whole land. The somnolent clouds were wandering along a certain path towards a place that no man could ever touch. The leaves were in raptures as they sway with the melody of the night. They were utterly strangers then that even she did not surmise that he was destined to be the lad who will teach her to love someone more than she used to love her erstwhile bloke ere.

             

He is not totally the ilk of man that she used to dream of before. He is not mysterious, taciturn and she felt no spark at the hearth of her heart upon knowing him. Paradoxically, an infallible affection for him abruptly burgeoned inside of her. She woke up one morning and realized the fact that she already wants him to be her own. And, as the cycle of day and night goes by, little by little, she deciphered a reality that destiny has concealed afore – he is more than the one she has been searching for.

              

He started to become her inspiration, her only love. Nil in this world can supersede the beauty of his winsome eyes. His smile is the stream of superfluous happiness. She cannot talk zealous and fain without him around. A day is not complete without hearing something about or from him. And every night she sees his image flashing anywhere and everywhere she stares. He is the only one who can pull the tattered edges of her soul together afresh. It is not that she cannot live without him loving her back – she can live but without such love, life is a void. He is the star of her reveries and the angel that sweeps away every shred of obfuscating thoughts in her head.

              

But, he is a pipedream that she could never claim. And, somehow, love is not for the two of them. He was already holding someone else’s hand, few years before fate allowed them to meet, and he loves that damsel more than he loves himself. And while such woman relishes the enthralling world with him, she enjoys seeing the man of her dreams floating in heavenly delight even if it is not because of her.

              

Her feelings for him remained far from everyone’s discovery. She never told anybody about it for she knows that not a single person could understand her. She is not that numbskull. She knows that she is investing her emotions to the wrong lad but there is a grotesque voice inside her saying that she must cling to him no matter what – even if he was already clinging to somebody else.

She is always calm, cheerful and full of life – nobody knows that she is dying inside. It is not easy to love someone who was already happy and contented with somebody else. You cannot tell anyone about what you feel though you want to scream to the entire universe that you love and hero-worship that certain person. And, it kills deep within for you can hear your conscience yelling at you each time you pray for him to love you back – making you realize the truth that as you wish to have him, the whole world is also asking God to make their love last until eternity.

              

At times when she can no longer feign that she is in mirth and hide the pain behind her smile, she stays at her room pretending to be asleep.  But, the truth is, she is only amidst her sweetest reverie – alone with the one she love, surrounded with roses and butterflies, loving each others. Perhaps, she was already too old to unwind in the middle of an imaginary land but only her mind’s eye can erase all the virulent things that are happening in her real life.

              

She kept on waiting for his love – she did not cede, she did not succumb, she valiantly hold on. He knocked at their house one forenoon, and asked her to go with him. They went to a jewelry store. He told her to choose between two expensive diamond rings. She was completely in bliss that time. Maybe this was the beginning of their love story, the answer to all her prayers and wishes – that he has realized that she was the one destined to grow old with him.

Few months passed, she found herself walking down the aisle. Her eyes were full of love and profound happiness. Tears slowly roll down her face as she gazed at him. He smiled.

The wedding ceremony ended. No one can explain how joyous he was then – and so as she. He hugged her tight and whispered in her ears: “You were the most beautiful Maid of Honor I’ve ever seen.”

“Best wishes,” she said with her sweetest smile.

What people often say is true -- the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else. But she accepted the fact that they were only fated to be just friends. She was happy seeing him sated in her arms and she does not have any rue for not telling him what she feels. She may have left those words unsaid but she succeeded in making him happy by giving him the greatest gift – her sacrifices in order to keep him away from pain even if it costs more that a tear.

[November 2011]