Kahapon

Ang mga kaibigan, madalas wikain ng aking ama, ay parang panaginip.

Humakbang ako ng pasulong, papasok sa tarangkahang niluma na ng panahon. Puno ako ng sigla, ako pa ba ang hindi matutuwa? Makakasama ko ulit sila -- maririnig ang mga hagikgik na saglit kong hindi nadinig. Haaay, kay sarap isiping ako ay muling nagbalik.

Kumislap ang aking mga mata. Nakatayo pa rin ang apat na bahay. Ngunit -- sandali lang -- parang may iba. Iginala ko ang aking paningin, inikot hanggang sa may mapansin. Nasaan na ang bahay-bahayan?

Isa-isa silang lumapit. Bumilang ako sa isip.

"Kumusta na?" May nagtanong.

Huminto ako sa pagbibilang. Hindi ko na inalam kung kumpleto ba sila o kulang. Nagsimula ang kwentuhan.

"Parang kailan lang..."

"Ito na ba 'yong kapatid mo?"

"Kumusta na si..."

"Tayo dati..."

"Akalain mo..."

Masaya. Ang sarap sa pakiramdam. Wala pa rin nagbago. Hindi sila nagbago.

Nagpatuloy ang kwentuhan, ang paggalaw ng mga kulay. Walang anu-ano ay nasulyapan ko ang sementadong pader -- na walang buhay ngunit tila kumakaway. Sa diwa ko ay inisa-isa kong basahin ang mga nakasulat na salita, ang mga nakalimbag na pangalan -- ang mga nakaukit na alaala. Naisip ko bigla: ang tagal na rin pala.

Isa, dalawa -- hindi, anim. Halos anim na taon. Mahigit kalahating dekada na mula noong lisanin namin ang lugar na ito. At sa loob ng dalawang taon ay hindi ko nagawang bisitahin itong pook na siyang nag-ugoy sa duyan ng kabataan ko.

Wala naman nagbago, sa tagal ng panahon. Mainit pa rin ang pagtanggap ng aking mga unang kaibigan. Ang lumang bahay ay nakatayo pa rin -- mga dingding at haligi na lamang ang naiwan. Ang puno ay naroon pa rin, bagamat sa lilim nito ay wala na ang mga batang naglulutu-lutuan. Ang upuang yari sa semento ay hindi pa rin nasisira ngunit ang mga paslit na nag-aaral-aralan ay hindi ko na namataan. Napabuntong-hininga ako.

Sa kabila ng mga pagbabago ay nagagalak ako. Mainit ang alab ng muling pagkikita. Lalo man nangulila ay hindi ko maitatanggi ang tuwa. Kaya pala sa panaginip ay palaging natatagpuan ko sila.

Nagpatuloy ang paglipas ng mga saglit. Kailangan ko ng umuwi.

Bago lumabas ng tarangkahan ay nilingon ko sila. Hindi ko na nagawang bumilang pa. Naisip ko na nagkamali ako ng akala kanina, na katulad pa rin kami ng dati na kumpleto at masaya.

Sa kasabikang humakbang ng pasulong, papasok sa tarangkahang niluma na ng panahon, ay halos hindi ko namalayang lumakad ako ng paurong. Mabuti na lamang at narinig ko ang ilang hagikgik na malabo ko ng madinig pa. Dahil mayroon ng lumayo at mayroon din nawala, may lumagay na sa tahimik at may isang namayapa na.

Ang mga kaibigan ay parang panaginip daw. Marahil ay ganoon nga. Ngunit kung may isang panaginip na gusto kong magpaulit-ulit, iyon ay ang mga sandali sa piling ng aking mga kababata -- mga panahong simple lamang ang lahat, walang mga bagabag at paglalaro lamang ang tanging ligaya.

[May 2013]

After a Thousand Tomorrows

Someday, she tells herself, it will all be over.

She never thought that that she would love someone deeper than the way she loved her erstwhile man. She does not even expect anyone to come and heal the gash in her heart. But, his hands abruptly pull the tattered edges of her soul together again. Hope rises from the land of her dreams and flies to the sky of a reverie-like reality, a place similar to heaven. A new life starts to blossom because of him.

Everything is perfect -- real, right and fair. But somehow, life is a perfect creation because of its imperfections.

One-sided love broke the see-saw down.

Parcel by parcel, she embraces all the things that he can offer -- even the ones that he cannot.

Except for one thing -- she does not feel her worth.

She tries to search for a tiny strand -- hoping to decipher a concealed evidence pointing to the fact that he loves her too. But, there is neither words nor actions.

You'd understand if your heart was mine.

It is painful.

It is painful to dream of him. It is painful to think of him. It is painful to sleep without his messages. It is painful to wake up knowing that he does not care. It is painful to expect. It is painful not to assume. It is painful to laugh and carry herself fain. It is painful to cry when she chooses not to feign.

It is painful.

But, loving him completes her. It is the drop of her sweetest tear, the strength of her most frightening fear. The most seraphic beat of the drum in her chest, the boon that was sent to her by angels. It is the prize she deserve and the price of all the sadness that the former one gave. It is the best revenge of time, if she has been really responsible for someone's grief. It is not a burden. It is, in fact, a relief.

I'd never wished a lonely heart on you. It's not your fault, I chose to play the fool.

Everything changes, though her feelings remain stoic by the quirks, her faith turns frail. Today, she is no longer a fighter. She is not even trying to survive. She has grown too flimsy. She has been enfeebled upon recognizing the invisible wind of misery.

She could not resent him, however. She could not blame him. But, she wants him to explain. She wants to understand why he let him believe that she has a place in his life -- has a room inside his heart. Was she only dreaming that night? For the words he spoke then and his silence at this moment do not rhyme.

If we had an exchange of hearts, then you'd know why I fell apart.

He could never know how she hero-worship him. He could never discern his place in every dream she aim. He could never feel how profound her love is. He may feel it but it is more than what he could notice.

He could never understand what she does not even understand. But if fate would favor her for a second and let their hearts alter each other's castles, maybe he would appreciate her -- even a little, even for a second.

Time turns the tables and soon I'll be able to find a new romance. And then you'll remember my love, warm and tender, too late for a second chance.

One day, she will be strong enough to squelch the loneliness. She will be able to open her hands and let go of their good old days. She will stop missing him. His charm will lose its power over her. And, although it may take long before she could finally feel the magic once more, she knows that time will come and she will learn to love again.

Someday, she tells herself, it will all be over -- the pain and the longing, the bitterness and the wailing. And, missing him will not be her struggle. Someday, she will take her heart back and give it to another -- to bloke who utterly cares.

[May 2013]

Untitled

It's not easy,

but I can't run away.

It's difficult,

but I believe it's not a fault.

I turn my back, get ready to go.

But, deep inside, I know

I'll never leave you.

I'll never leave you.

I try to turn around,

but my feet are glued on the ground.

I say I would give up,

but I know that I could not.

You're worth the fight.

Letting go is just not right.

Maybe, the sky is not that bright.

But there is still a light.

Incessant are the promises I broke,

'cause every moment I look,

each time I see you move,

I get reminded of your worth.

I always decide to go.

And, it's true, I always do.

But the bridges and roads take me back to you.

Somehow, they know that you're my sweetest woe.

You don't see your winsome face.

You don't see how great your soul is.

But, I discern every color in you.

Somehow, this heart has nil to rue.

Far from you I swear I'd roam,

but you don't deserve to wander alone.

I can't see you walking on your own.

I can't see you walking on your own.

But tell me if solitude is what you need.

Speak when with me you don’t want to proceed.

If through your acts you write but I fail to read,

Talk to me and I would heed.

Whatever befalls, I deeply know,

I’ll only depart when you tell me to go.

For I never dream to hold you 'till you die.

Higher than the highest, I want to see you fly.

[April 2013]

(Hindi ko alam kung ano 'to. Hindi ko masabing tula. Baka rap? :D Basta, tuluy-tuloy ko lang naisulat.)

Repleting the Void

Star:

I am a shining little star whose duty is to scintillate for the whole land. At first, I supposed that this is the only reason of my existence. Until one night, I fell in love with the moon.

The moon is the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen in my entire life and the only one who is conspicuous enough to capture my heart.

Every night, I go beside him for the world to vide how lovely we look when we are together. I discern nothing wrong with this for I strongly believe that I and he were destined to be with each other.

He enjoys my company too and I am happy about it even if I am not the only star in the evening sky. I know he perceives me as the best.

I want to hold him forever and I believe that not a single quirk of fate can take him away from me. I know that he loves me even if he seldom tell the words that I always long to hear every second. He cares for me beyond words and I will always love him aught it takes.

But, to my surprise, I saw him with another star. It hurts to see him that way so I hid behind a cloud and stayed there until the next day arrived.

Cloud:

Star is my closest friend and I have witnessed all her sacrifices for the moon.

She confides everything to me -- I know every bit of her reveries, pipedreams, successes and frustrations for I am always here to heed. In return, I avow everything to her -- except for a secret that I want her to decipher on her own.

The night when the moon was out of sight, I told her to leave for a while and relish the feeling of being alone.

Moon:

I am the moon -- the most winsome creature in the night sky. Almost all the clouds, the stars and even the people living on earth admire me. I know my worth and I will use all the advantages of such.

There are a lot of creatures in the universe but none of them caught the eye of a shining little star -- and I believe that it is only me who can own her heart.

She believes that she is the only one for me but, the truth is, she is only a part of my collection. I do allow myself to be with her but that was only for fun. She is a great fool for not noticing that I do not know how to love and all I want is to play around with those who hero-worship me. I never thought of having her until the end. A lot of her ilk can be found everywhere. I cannot be sated with only one -- I want to explore.

One night, I went out with another star -- a lovelier and brighter one. I know she saw us then that is why she hid behind a cloud.

That was only the first time. That happened again the next night, the other night and the night after until it was almost a fortnight.

Every evening, I was with a different star -- sometimes with the clouds. I got tired of doing that later on so I did not come up one windswept night.

Breeze:

All of us have the right to dream. All of us have the right to love. If loving a shining little star like her is a dire crime, then it is a pleasure to be a miscreant.

I love the glittering star which is always hiding behind a cloud even it I know that it is impossible for her to love me back. She does not even vide me and I could never be as charming as the moon.

I never had a chance to tell her how I feel but I remained at her side. I will not let the wonderful feeling of being in love cease. I will not shun her -- I stay forever even if my existence was bound to be unseen. I will cling to this emotion whatever it takes because loving her is truly a glimpse of paradise.

Maybe, this is what love really means -- to sacrifice your own bliss for someone without expecting anything in return.

Star has a best friend, a cloud. This cloud knows everything about this profound affection that I have been hiding all these years.

Star:

It was rum, grotesque -- totally uncanny. The cloud told me to leave for a moment.

I looked around. No one, nil, was in the sky. I went to the spot where the moon and I used to stay ere.

My tears began to run down like the liquid crystal flowing from waterfalls-- unceasing, berserk. Suddenly, I felt the cold breeze embracing me -- wiping the sorrow in my eyes.

Moon:

The night I did not show up in the sky, I began to miss my erstwhile star. I started longing for the way she glitters to please me and how she shines passionately for me to feel the warmth of her superfluous love. I then vowed, that when I come out afresh, I will ask for her forgiveness and tell her how much she means to me.

But, I surmise, it was already too late to be the love of her life. From a distance, I perceived the demise of my dreams. She was already relishing the universe with the breeze.

I should have been contented. She is more than what is needed. She is not just better than the others -- she is the best. I can enjoy my existence with the rest, with the other creatures. I can always have fun them. But, I realized, happiness is not about being with someone who can give you the sweetest smile when you are in bliss -- it is about having someone who will never get tired of cheering you up in the midst of your loneliest days. Others are only here because of my beautiful white light but, the one who used to love me, she stayed with me then because she treasures my heart.

Now, I believe the people dwelling on the surface of the living planet. It is true that it is often too late when creatures find out the worth of what they have -- a virulent fact in life.

I know that I could not find a star that reflects every scintilla she has. I should accept the consequences of my daft acts. I will continue to live for so many billion years, for the world, amid this endless universe, and shine my thumping best each time I show up. I may hide my pale ale miseries and rues from those who will gaze at me but nothing can change the reality that my heart is slowly incinerating abyss in me. If meteors could really grant a wish, I would ask each one of them to make the burning of this heart faster. I would rather see myself existing without such instead of having it imbued with painful regrets.

Breeze:

From a distance, I can discern the moon wishing her back but he must face the truth that her love for him has died. She is profoundly in love with me now.

It is true that having the courage to fight, forgetting how to cede no matter what and holding on to our Beloved Creator can make all things possible. Patience is truly a virtue and so as the passionate affection which is the greatest of all the other weapon. Waiting was never easy but I did it.

Some creatures told me that I was insane but I covered my ears to eschew hearing them.

Nonetheless, I feel no irk at this moment for next to me is my greatest reward -- SHE.

[September 2010]

Tuldok

Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo. Kailan ako hihinto? Apat. Lima. Anim. Pito. Alam kong hindi nauubos ang numero. Walo. Siyam. Sampu. Paano ba sabihin ang paalam na sa iyo?

Sa iyong mga mata ay hindi ko makita ang pagsinta -- walang lambing, walang saya, walang natatanging pagsinta. Kapag tinitingnan kita, sa tuwing tinitingnan mo ako, kapag nagtatama ang ating paningin ay batid ko na magkaiba ang ating natatanaw. Ikaw at ako, kailanman ay hindi naging isa. Mapanglaw man ay para bang tinaggap ko ng sa piling mo ay palagi akong mag-iisa.

Sa tinig mo ay hindi mabakas ang sigla -- walang matamis na hiwaga. Kapag binabanggit mo ang pangalan ko ay hindi ko naririnig ang tinig ng Adarna. Bawat himig mo ay para sa iba -- hindi para sa akin, kung hindi ay para sa kanya. Wala akong puwang sa bawat kataga, ikubli mo man sa iyong pananalita.

Hanggang ngayon ay kulang pa rin ba? Kailan ba magiging sapat? Ang lahat ba ay wala pa rin saysay?

Ang lahat ng tuwa, sa wari ko, ay akin lamang gawa-gawa. Ang mga pangungusap mo sa ilalim ng bilog na buwan ay para bang likha lamang ng mga nahahabag na tala. Alin ba sa mga sinabi mo ang sa iyo talaga nagmula? Sana ay malaman ko na, ng maitama ang bawat maling pag-asa at paniniwala.

Hindi ko na matukoy ang guniguni sa tunay na nangyayari. Hindi ko na alam kung alin ang dapat yakapin at ang dapat iwaksi.

Kahit kailan ay alam kong hindi ako naging husto. Palagi kang may hinahanap, palagi kang may ibang gusto. Hindi mo man sabihin o ipakita ay nadarama ko.

Paminsan-minsan ay naiisip ko na paano kaya kung may dumating sa buhay ko at maging palagay ako sa kanya. Kahit saglit ba ay sasagi ako sa isip mo? Hahanapin mo ba kahit papaano ang presensya ko? Mangungulila ka kaya? O, mapagtatanto mong higit na kailanman ay hindi ako nagkaroon ng halaga?

Papahulog na ako sa kawalan. Dumudulas na ang aking mga kamay sa kinakapitan. Mahirap manatili sa parteng ito, lalo na at wala ang kamay mo para ako ay hawakan.

Ang numero ay nauubos din kapag huminto ang nagbibilang. Isa. Dalawa. Tatlo. Aabot pa ba ng dalawampu? Hindi ko na alam kug hanggang saan magagawang tumungo. Tila sa labing siyam ay titigil na ako. Marahil, bago pa man matutunang sabihin ang paalam na sa iyo.

[April 2013]

Ang Lumiham

Ika'y dumalaw sa pagtulog n'ya,

May pilit na tinatanong sa kanya,

Ngunit sagot ay 'di nagpaubaya,

Bago pa ibigay ay nagising na s'ya.

Sa lumang baul ay naghanap,

Siya na 'di alam ang nagaganap,

Mga piraso ng kirot at hirap,

Kanyang nakuha sa isang iglap.

Tatlong pahina'y muling inisa-isa,

Sa isipa'y nakita ang minsang umasa,

Na ang kahapo'y mababawi pa ng dusa,

Batid mang tadhana ang nagpaparusa.

Sa bilangguan ng nagdaa'y 'pinuslit,

Mga pangungusap na puno ng pait,

Nilitis ang diwang binuo ng sakit,

Kahapo'y binalika't inulit.

Nabagabag yaring humuhusga,

Sa dragong luha ang ibinuga,

Yaring apoy na sana'y sinunog siya,

Para sa ngiti n'ya'y 'di na pinalaya pa.

Umiiyak ang bawat salita,

Nananaghoy ang mga talata,

Ngunit lahat noo'y 'di nakita,

'Kinubli ng tuwang iyong ipininta.

Maling hatol ay natuklasan,

'Di para sa'yo ang krus na pinasan,

Hapding tinanggap ay walang katarungan,

Sana'y 'binaba na ang daigdig na tangan.

Sa panalangin ay kanyang isasama,

Na ang lahat sa buhay mo'y maging tama,

Nawa'y lusaw na ang lungko't 'di na madama,

Kabiguang niyakap ng 'di umaalma.

[April 2013]

Why God Smiles When I Cry

The ball in the sky suddenly stops, the dances up there pause for a while, and the music of the breeze slowly dies. The sparkling stars become envious glances on me; perhaps they resent me tonight, for my eyes shine better than the glitters on their silver gowns. In the midst of this bliss, abruptly, I recall some scenes from yesterday.

Of course I remember the past -- every piece, every parcel, of yesterday even it did not last. I still can recall how everything began and how it ended so fast. I am familiar with every memory up to this moment. The places, the language, the music, the letters, the flowers, the poems and others -- even the noises, the blades, the wounds, the tears, the scars, the chains and the whole process -- are real up to this date. However, even ghosts get tired of haunting the living souls, especially when stronger forces are present. What happened long ago will never be erased but can always be replaced by the ones that are worth enshrining. Memories of the good old days are still breathing, though -- but they are lifeless, I must say.

Of course, I know what befell in days of yore. I wrote them all with my feet -- and wrote them again using my hand. They were recorded at the surface of an extraordinary paper called time. No one, nil, can erase them in the book of my history. But, as a song express, all these memories lose their meaning when I think of love as something new.

Something new. I step back to the gate of the past and find myself asking so many things -- whining and complaining to God's angels. I frown and shake my head in disappointment. I do not belong here, I whisper. I travel back to where I belong.

Now, here I am in the present anew. I am, afresh, amid the safety of a world filled with the things that I cherish the most. My dreams are here, replacing what was taken away. I am surrounded by people that I starkly love. The moment utterly glows as the air embraces my entire soul. I am complete, I have more than what I deserve. The nights of solitude were over. The days seem to be incessant -- bridges and roads leading to a limitless time.

I do not miss anyone, I do not regret anything. I already learned that to continue owning your space inside the room of happiness, you must appreciate the beauty of what you have and accept that some stories should end in the most drastic ways. Like what I have read, one must look at the doughnut and not its hole.

I walk towards the fireplace and sit beside him. I vide his face -- I discern the eyes, the smile, the man I deeply love. There I realize that I am in raptures tonight because of him. He is more than anything I could wish for -- more wonderful that the reveries that I used to invent in my mind. He is not a daydream, far from a pipedream. He is a boon from heaven, the reason why the angels failed me for so many times then. Garth Brooks is right, some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

The stars are still sparkling when I gaze outside the window. I close my eyes.

Not a single creature could ever perceive how much I value his existence. No man could fathom how my soul relishes his presence. The world may never know but butterflies wander fain in the garden of my heart when there is light and fireflies roam blissfully in the paradise of my dream during the night because of being in love again. I may fail to tell the universe that he is more than a treasure to me but I am sated with the fact that he knows it -- that is greater than the awareness of the whole land.

[April 2013]